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My Life Is Best Expressed
the good thing about failing to keep this regular, is that ocassionally i remember becase I have something to talk about....i hve been thinking a lot, although i didnt knw it, and this last week of being in the pit has made me shift myself, although in adifferent way then i intended...i suppose discipline and determination are on the wheel with continued pursual of pointless deeds. maybe trying to catch dsicipline by forcing yourself to do things, is equal to finding a reason to do things that makes you disciplined...or maybe they are the same...its geting so convoluted in ym head that i cant sort it out anymore....
been thinking about dreams, and using hte ones ive had, same for the conversations that cause me to say what i believe at the moment, the ideas that come out of them work, and the yplease me, possibily although i dont want to think about the ramifications too much, because they are of me. I am pleased with my creations, and my creations start as thought. but this thought is not alive in my head. in my head, everything is still in process. what i see is being made into what i think, and it takes an expression to make that process yeild a true Idea. when i aruge with people, i find out what i beleive...without the constant pressure of the world, hte process ceases to end in a result. so to find out what i am doing, i have to put myself out in the world. even when i write, and dont engage anyone but ymself in producing thoughts, I talk to myself. I aruge with myself, and that prodcues the pressure. two thoughts. i could possibly reach the same conclusions just by arguing with myself enoug, but myself, like me, is lazy and passive aggressive. I have to confront him to make him respond, and he rarely confronts me. i have made myself into many. perhaps it is just that without this pressure, my thoughts do not move in a straight line and diverge sharply enough to lose themselves on the turns. perhpas myemmory is just so bad, that I cant remember enough of what i thought but didnt commit. my life is best expressed. if i say it, it has reality, it has gravity, it has form. wihtout form, it may as well not exist. im not sure if this simply boils down to another reason for I Must Do. but then again my life is best. i am happiest when i have a creation to be pleased with. i have lost track of my mind, i have lost track of what i was thinking. perhaps the focus of aveing to explain it to someone until they understand makes it easier to keep my thoughts in line. wihtin myself i make assumptionsabout what i know, and leave bits unclear because they are obvious at the time. so do and do it where people can react. act and react.and react to the reaction. hahahahaha
Saturday, September 20, 2003 - 03:01 a.m.
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frustration
another day of minorness....i need to do big things soon, or i will move so slowly that i will never set foot outside. i need more time, i need less sleep, i need more motivation, i need fewer vices. fuckity fuck fcuk, this is starting to suck. on a lighter not, my room does look better.
Monday, September 15, 2003 - 03:42 a.m.
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inertia
so much for victories, bu heres to small progress. tomorrow WILL be a useful day, althouhg i wont get everything done. i must star doing what i want to do and i will start now.
Sunday, September 14, 2003 - 06:23 a.m.
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Hiatus is a four letter word
you can only do what you actually do. haha! night of thinking, many things come to mind. the past lies unrecorded, and the present lies unfounded. peraps there is a connection. interesting. videos need watchin. mmhmm. television commercials for sure, but yes what else. must do what i set out to do. MUST start now. 3 stories - NIght and Day, the shared life; the one with the ancestral memory that comes complete with an almost equally powerful rival personality, and the third is very slowly coming into focuse in my head...waiting...something about guy in food court, other guy approaches, first pretends to be someone waiting for a clandestine deal, second goes along, scare off third? as intorduction...wow thats confusing looking, now my grand schemes ave come to nought as i sithere typing and pausing talking and thinking, trying and failing. tomorrow i must. today i must think. dredge old memories, forgotten conversations, bad dreams. thats the stuff...and again
Saturday, September 13, 2003 - 03:24 a.m.
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typing quickly to avoid extra charges
typing from a cafe in montreal...good ay to do this actually...i mgiht keep this up or something....anyway, drive up today, chillin in apt with all ym shit with me dad...lunch of mussels and beer along the st laurent street fair...now alone time, soon to be followed by hotel jump and steak frittttttes....tiredness blends the confusion and desperation into joy. go figure.
Thursday, August 21, 2003 - 03:08 p.m.
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sun going up and then, the sun it going down.
another day...long hours on the beach, asleep or in the deep...12-6, came home red and sandy. after tash and stef bailed, dinner then too late to the liqour store so sobriety is me. a night of comedy and cartoons...weird lone wolf reference within samurai jack XIX...i continue to be impressed by the amount of good material on cartoon networks adult swim...and annoyed by the shittiness of dubs. wish i had had a better test episode of flcl...cant determine how much i lost in the translation, as the official dub seems to explain much more...most of which i had figured ouut myself, and i appreciate the vaugeness more i think...so crispy and tired i go to sleep, likely for the last time here
Wednesday, August 20, 2003 - 01:59 a.m.
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nightswimming
and a good long and full day it has been. woke up to not go fishing, but read instead...folk came home iwht 26 fish...impressive..hung around waiting for my people to show...when stef and tash showed, took them to beach and went back to collect nick and elissa dn chloe...good day at the beach...good waves, beautiful water, and good to be around people...came home got drunk and had dinner, then off to the boardwalk...again blew money playing games...cheap skeetball though, was damn fun...stupid claw game stole way too much of my moeny and left me with nothing...got an Afro Ken with me ticekts, then found more...didnt have enough to get another one by half , and yet the girl gave it to me anyway...such nice folk...home and grabbing beer then off to the beach...drinking and talking and chilling, and whne the beer was gone night swimming in the sitll miraculously warm water...home to chill on the dock and watch crabs by flashlight...then people crashing to monty python...this is the kind of beach days and nights i was looking for...thank you...conversation at beach makes me think of people in ympast though, and wonder where they are now...also of people in less distant times, and relationships that could have been but never were...when i return to montreal, i need to figure all this out as soon as possible...if all goes as planned, i will have new holes, blond dredded hair, perhaps a tatoo, and a new start to go ahead with...not to mention the apartment...
Tuesday, August 19, 2003 - 04:15 a.m.
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pacemaker
since i always write at night jsut before i sleep (a bad habiot in ammyn ways becaus ei am often too tired to think, or even to write) i have been unable to keep up the daily thing...since this room is occupied...but things i fast moving...weather hasnt been great, but beach has been...swimming and kayaking are good for you....more later
Monday, August 18, 2003 - 10:10 a.m.
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stupid tv
missed last night because on the edge of the abyss, but maybe today will have two...got everything to the storage place from my room...my work is almost done. train to the beach...hit up beach at low tide, when I could walk out as far as I wanted...beautiful water, small but rideable waves, fish in the water...got chased by two tiger striped fat fish...storm fish they were...gerald and eric...immediately after i saw them, the tide changed and began carving a channel which is always great...got home and randy shows up...went back to the beach...ran...sore...home and dinner and drinks then back to the beach then python and sleep. today should be interesting...full house with people showing up...and tomorrow comes tash and stef who i cant call because i forgot their number. damn. ah well...see what happens
Saturday, August 16, 2003 - 10:59 a.m.
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finding the cool
two days slip by, one out of forgetfulness, one out of inability...yesterday and todya have been interesting...into NY to see Masked and Anonymous with sam...then and later, i enjoyed following a vauge sense of gereral direction...movie was appalingly bad and great at same time...music god, cast good, dylan...odd...plot...god...how to describe that movie...better not...dim sum afterward, following the twisted road to back street chinatown...mmmm dim sum...such a good place to eat that one is...much tea and dumplings later, towards church and murray...verizon building like the palais de justice in its stark, windowless 2 dimensional presence...big docking bay/imperial viewpoints....chill time with rachel whilst sam listens to concert...i need more chill time wiht rachel all in all...lucky strikes, turtle shell mojo, marumba (?) jam, cutco salespitch...trying to find the cool...back to sams for music immersion + bourbon (only cause it rhymes)...a room full of objects ...tomatos ona boat, 2 cities or one? musical overload...ghosts in the speakers...morning brings breakfast and the met...wandering through halls of coolness...i need seal stamps. mending pants in the temple of dendur...wathcing the statues dance in the hall of the bodhisattvas...train to train to train to train home in time to pick up checks and books and lunch and spin out the evening at home...new york blacks out. the east coast. ontario. michigan. but i am not there so it al seems rather distant and anticlimactic...intersting though...now pushing around last pieces and packing still...goodnight
Friday, August 15, 2003 - 02:39 a.m.
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whos yer grandaddy
long day. too many days without enough sleep, and too much to do in the few days i have remaining. only 3 more days of work...so Philly tonight...glad i went. drive with andrew was good...only lost for a short bit...great clouds, hawk perched on higway divider, good music...its always good to hang out with will...his apartment looked different than I had imagined, but I can defintely see will in it...cool place for two people...i like getting to know genevive (sp) although i probably wont see either of them for the rest of the summer, which menas i probably wont see thme for a long while...the show was really good...i liked the place although you couldnt drink except in the little bar area...i liked that they played really funky music videos between the sets...all were interesting if not good...opening band was good...not exceptional, but really quite good...i liked their bassist...grandaddy was really good...if i knew more songs it might have been a more interesting show, but i really liked it anyway...the crowd was frighteningly homogenous...one black chica and will representing minorities as far as i could tell...also kind of dead...lots of head bobbin and hands in pockets, very few people really getting into the music and dancing...but then again i was barely moving at all either so...but i try...long drive back with stupid lack of turnpike signs...book on cd kept us awake...predictablish suspense thriller stuff...now i need to sleep badly
Tuesday, August 12, 2003 - 02:12 a.m.
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we can be heroes
So last night was very interesting. A slow day ran into a strange night at Will's palace of happiness, where we played cranium and watched Decasia. home again, and a long and creative evening...almost no sleep but not tired today...bar b q...so surreal...afternoon of packing...punch drunk love fit my hallucinatory mood...and now i am too tired to write more
Monday, August 11, 2003 - 01:26 a.m.
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no urinating you bastard
this is jsut to have something here for tonight...cant talk, must wait
tomorrow there shall be revelations.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 - 05:23 a.m.
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Drunkkkkk... and tomorrow???
Easy short day of work, despite bad company...home and sleep, bit ofreading bout marijuana...picking classes takes time and goes nowhere...going into rachles party... long time since last i stepped in that apartment...sweet night, much drinking, much smoking, much happiness and conversation with people old and new, lost and found...had meaningful conversations with unexpected folk, realized once again why im friends with who im friends wiht...got to know people better and comfortablier...hahahaha...up and down, inside and out, wine and beer and whiskey and rooftop rumble and backroom rolls, bathrooms full for hours and doors that dont stay open. back home again very late, floyd in the tunnel with andrew and elissa asleep nick chipping in occasionally from the distant drivers seat and rambling conversations with larry..palaski skyway means so many things...tomorrow? fuck it...work is an afterthought, afterthoughts are all full of good things...au revoir
Saturday, August 9, 2003 - 03:09 a.m.
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back from Boston
an evening in Boston and aint is grand...wandering through Harvard Square, searching through book stores and comic stores and more comic stores, and havens of expensive pop culture specifically the japanese variety. then on to dinner at Red Bones where the beer is black and tan, the company is numerous and the fare is pork. yum. a night of people and foos, all of it good. heard the opening line of shogun assasin as part of the intro to a song (any ID, perhaps?) which was odd to say the least. back to the hotel for sleep but not before catching badly dubbed Trigun and Arnold announcing candidacy (against Gary Coleman...and perhaps Gallagher...and Larry Flint....I hope i hallucinated this). morning left nothing but for to head home and home it was...beautiful it was , for those bits i was awake for...some reading, some cleaning and packing, some dinering and heading out to Borders to buy more comics and steal sample DVDs...a bit put out by LoEG, as it was not what i expected...and now to sleep, for tomorrow is a big day
Friday, August 8, 2003 - 02:10 a.m.
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slapdash
a day of mostly sleep. big meals, and a movie. this is a lazy day it is, and now it is time for more sleep.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003 - 01:03 a.m.
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content
theres a feeling i usually only get after a long swim, good sex, or a half awake lazy sunday morning in bed with full sunshine...that total body satisfied relaxation plus a slow and um-immediate hunger...i had that for few minutes before falling asleep and now im wondering why i bothered to wake up.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 - 12:23 p.m.
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Open box of photos and letters
long day of hauling...garbage in the muggy shite weather, then moving to the storage room...the basement is looking good though...sushi for dinner with nicholas...mmmm fish...wandering around in the park before the rain falls in the coool night air...found a big screen tv in the parking lot of best buy...took back to nick's place only to discover it does not work...or does it??? yeungling and reservation time, nice and relaxing, except for paranoia bout sounds in the wood...tiny glowsticks of ted's way more fun than they should have been...home again, and work on the room...emptying drawers and closet, repacking all my papers etc into a bigger tub...reading through old letters from girls in the past...i sense a pattern here...must learn to write more effective letters. rooom is coming together slowly...still very dazed...my mind is wandering
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 - 01:03 a.m.
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this is me thinking out loud
slipping again already...must keep this short though, because i need sleep so badly...i need to uncomplicated my life, break it down to the simplest and most essential bits...then reinvent this complex monstrosity of twisted lie in my own image. reinvent myself in my own image..hmmmm...thinking about people now, after a long talk with leah, first in a long while...there are people who live in the past present and future, but that applies to space as well as time...it really does seem that some people can only focus on where they are at the moment...perhaps its related to self-centeredness or something, I dont know...but anyway, they exist only within their immediate surroundings...the further removed something is from them, the less bearing it has on their lives...wheras others seem to run from their immediate lives inot distant relationships and far flung friends...im trying to decdie which i am...i am horribly self centered too much of the time (this testament to my ego...)and accordingly, i think i often become absorbed in my present surroundings to the exclusion of other things...howevre that is not always true, as there are many people I can keep up with no matter how far away they are...i am terrible at most distance relationships though, and tend to favor more immediate forms of communication such as phone or IM to letters and such....i suppose i am much more of an immediate person then...i wonder if this also has anything to do with adaptability, perhaps those who focus more clearly on their immediate worlds are more adaptable than those who focus on the distant things? hmmmmmm..... dpqb
Monday, August 4, 2003 - 01:36 a.m.
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kalediscope vision
at the beach once again, and getting closer to the end...cant write long as D is sleeping in this rom and shall shortly kick me out...so no work tomorrow, as i dont have the strength...wonder what that will make monday like? listening to sam talk about the beahc as home reflects a lot fo thigns ive thought about...as ive written so many times its become a cliche within my own work, the beach is where i think, and where i create, the place i get through the rest of the year to be at, the place where many of my most vivid memories are from...this was begun at the beach, and rebegun at the beach, etc...i have to have access to it once this outlet is gone...going throguh old writings today was good...found great stuff among the steaming shit...a lot to like and a lot to work with...even if i dont create something out of the scraps of yesterdays thoughts, i still feel as if the same ideas and ability to express myself is alive within me, and that there is yet hope for future, original work that will be just as good...
Saturday, August 2, 2003 - 12:02 a.m.
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First you must fetch...another shrubbery!!!
strange day today...work was long and awful, but i found a fortunetelling yoda doll that is worth it...got paid too, first week where im amking maximum pay...money is nice...spent some right away on comics...reading lone wolf and cub now...mmmm lone wolf...went into the reservation with ted and nick and chilled for a while...tried to knock down a dead tree and managed to have it fal on my back..which although it doesnt seem to be seriously damaged nonetheless hurts badly enough to make me consider not going to work..see how i feel in morning...spent some of the afternoon starting to transcribe the bad poetry..am storing it online in order to have ready access to it...so far nearly everything has been absolutely horrible..i did find one piece however, that while not great in of itself, was written in such away as to present several variations on the poem...so i took it and wrote around the poem and that turned out very interesting...maybe there will be more like that, or at least i hope so...so now to sleep and hope tomorrow is kind to me...
Friday, August 1, 2003 - 12:08 a.m.
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To love the girl who knows the words, and know her love.
2 entries within 15 minutes. i want to fall in love again, and i want to do it hard. i dont know if i can though, as i seem to think it needs a clean slate and mine is all blurred...i want teenage romance, with long nights and slow days. i want to make people silly presents and have them wanted. i want to know that when i walk into a room, one person stops thinking about everyone else. i remember a line i wrote once...something about magical mystical sensual sexual lyrical tangible final ecstasy. i want that. god damn it i need to stop looking through my old things, and listening to my old music...this whole day has sunk me so deep into my past that i am having trouble surfacing...you would think it would be easy enough, seeing as i live in a city full of beautiful and interesting people many of whom i am already in love with...but fuck if the past aint through with me yet...so anyone interested in being the focus of my life and getting funky mixes with collagey art, random unsolicited notes and visits, and all that other good stuff, send yourself this way cause right now, im only talking to myself. hahahahaha
Thursday, July 31, 2003 - 12:41 a.m.
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harvest me veins ta get at the rich fats within
weird day. for lack of a hair thingy, the empire fell. no work for me, as i was too disoriented this morning to get myself to work on time...ah well...sleep is better anyway...then did serious work on my room...got cds taken care of, as well as animals, and many other little things...the place is a mess, but its getting packed up. i spent a couple hours going through my baby box...years and years worth of letters, congratulations, pictures, little presents...curls of hair from all ages (and im getting suprisingly close to the colors my hair used to be)....so much stuff its overwhelming...
and of course it is also my dad's birthday today, so there was that as well...big dinner, complete with many courses of overly rich foods...yum...watched The Hunger after dinner...hhehehe so good and so bad at the same time...david bowie should have been in more movies...and now to sleep with so much left undone, and burdens growing every day...the weekend brings the beach, which means frantic relaxation...sigh...such is life.
Thursday, July 31, 2003 - 12:08 a.m.
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meh
In order to avoid another pain in the ass day at work, i am going to try to sleep tonight, which means now. as today was mainly a bored daze interspersed with a wandering shopping trip, I have nothing else to say. oh yes, one thing, damn the gossip circle.
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 - 12:22 a.m.
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Before the world, the word, before the word, the song, before the song the sound, and the sound was laughter.
i been roadtripping through the past today...in the process of moving stuff out of my room so that nicholas could get his stuff out, i started work on throwing away/packing... came across so much stuff thats going to take so much time just to look at...sheets of old emails from back when my dad would print them out for me from his computer...makes me want to get back in touch with people i never really knew...actually tried to a bit...looked up one person i used to talk to a lot...found her address and phone number, and a few mentions of her in local news...but no email or web page, and im not going to call someone i never actually spoke to out of the blue am I? we shall see...the crate full of poetry and assorted other writing is great...some things i newly remembered, some things were completely new...and there is so much of it! im going to have to type it all in at some point since the majority of it is written on small scraps of paper in pencil while in a drunken or drug induced semi-stupor and they are quickly degrading into illegibility...some of the stuff ther i really love, just the sound of some of the words, and the energy i can feel in some of it...damn i want that back...
webcomics is stealing my life on another note...i find one read it through and find like 3 or 4 tangentally from there....wish i knew why i was doing this...i seem to be submerging myself in a group subconcious that doesnt have a group yet...ah well...my dreams are getting vivid again...last night was amazing in the things i saw and the pure feeling of euphoric connection to the world...the sunning whipping around a corner, an infinte series of arches underwater with that indescribable feeling of rightness...ill take what i can get...and enough for now
Monday, July 28, 2003 - 11:30 p.m.
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The battle between tact and truth rages on
so return from the beach. days of drinking and drinking and drinking, roasting in the sun, and being bitten by small winged creatures...at a loss as to what to make of my situation...ah well, time will tell...or is that too passive an approach? yes it is. passiveity can be a hassle.
Monday, July 28, 2003 - 01:19 a.m.
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quickly now!
I go to the beach for a day or two! victory is mine!! i am too sick to work...cough cough...the sun shall cure me! the gamecube has let me down, but i shall bring myself back up! oh ye of little faith, digest your napkinlike scorn-visors and part your hair on the other side for once! hahahaha freedom!
Friday, July 25, 2003 - 07:17 p.m.
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picking apples for the kings and queens of things ive never seen
another day, another kurosawa flick...rashomon today...i finally managed to stay awake through it..it was good, but it wasnt what i had expected...oh well....work seemed to stretch longer then it should have...but that might have been the fucking soaking rain...on the bright side, I did find a Gamecube...too tired to do the things i should be doing regularly, but oh well...there is always tomorrow...and tomorrow i may be going down to LBI for a weekend of beachy debauchery...mmmmm debauchery...fitful sleep this afternoon filled with feverish dreams that i accepted as reality...3 weeks till the hammer falls
Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 11:30 p.m.
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filler
another day of pointlessness...finished one book, started another, watched Unforgiven and Sanjuro...I feel strangely unfulfilled, yet at the same time, I dont really give a fuck. ah well
Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 12:22 a.m.
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a breath
today felt like a day somewhat on pause. after work, i spent most of the afternoon asleep or reading, alternating between gene wolfe and randomly selected web comics..found a lot of crap and one or two strips i liked...my muscles feeling pretty sore from last nights exercise and work, I have decided to break from my new routine for this evening...work was mostly uneventful...the only thing I came home with is a nice little cd player/clock radio... the whole thing works fine and has 2 alarms, perfect for my ability to turn things off in my sleep...tomorrow must be more...fulfilling...or my newly discovered momentum will slump into nothingness
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 - 11:48 p.m.
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standing ground
so today i am being good. I am continuing to write, i made some progress through the piles of unidentifiable shit that have been cloggin up my room, i started trying to get back in shape, and i finally started drawing. yay for progress.
work was slow until the end of the day...the rain in the early morning did not make things fun or easy. but the guy i worked with, Dave, got attacked by a squirrel that was hiding in a garbage can...and that was funny at least. and i found some fun stuff...two laser tag vests that after extensive examination and dissection seem to be broken, and a clunky old VHS camcorder that I have been unable to test...i doubt they still make battery packs to fit it, but if i can find the right adaptor, it would be fun to set up as some kind of stationary surveillance camera or something, with a direct feed into the TV or the TV tuner on my computer...maybe the turtle network...all #2 all the time...if i continue to find good electronics at this rate, my apartment is going to be veyr funkily wired up next semester. finally getting into the book I am reading, although it still makes very little sense, but whatever...watched wild strawberries tonight...i dont think i would have liked it if i had been watching it with anyone else, but for chillin at home by myself it was a really good movie. now it is time for sleep.
Monday, July 21, 2003 - 11:53 p.m.
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Oy! Geezers need excitement
i just came inside from lying on the grass in my back yard staring at the newly sanded side of a house I am soon to be leaving. with the barely fading light it looks amazing, and i think it really hit me for the first time that it wont be my house anymore. and as much as i have ever complained about this pit of a town, it does have its points, and this house has never been anything but wonderful for me. i stared until i could follow the specks of dust and points of light that came to fill ym field of vision and make them move about as i wanted. so. once again, i try and start this with the intention of writing every day. i wonder if i will manage to, and i wonder if anyone will ever read this, but it doesnt really matter in the end. ideally i would love to somehow hook up my typewriter to the computer instead of a keyboard, as that is another method of doing what i am trying to do...physically leave behind some impression of the thoughts i cant even say, but would like to remember having.
so many things im trying to do on a daily basis now, but i am such a sucker for proper beginnings that i never even begin. but i suppose i am finally tired of choosing the right moment...or perhpas waiting for a better moment... so I am going to start now. there is so much already from this hallucinatory summer that i have meant to write, so i believe i will do this differntly. when i cant write about the preesnt for lack of inspiration, i will write about the past. maybe that way, i can always find something to say, and in the process confuse time enough to leave myself a way out.
but for now, random thoughts. i think i will end up at the beach when i leave school, for it is almost always the beach that sets my mind in motion. i must find myself a place where i can reach at ease both the water and the mountain, and have both summer and snow, as well as wet autumn forests. i must find a way to hold on to my memories without having to make them solid. i need to know if it is possible to love the people i want without hurting others that i love just as much. i have to find the right combination of drugs that will allow me to have time for all the things i need to get done, and still be able to throw time to the pursuit of the perfect laziness. i want to remember my dreams again, and i want to wake up laughing when i dont wake up nodding. i want the world to open like a great magic 8-ball and show me that the answers are indeed there, set in stone (or plastic) and that they only wait for the right time to bubble to the surface. ha.
Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 07:46 p.m.
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For Leah, If it Helps
There are times when the words come,
And times when they won't.
There are times when only others voices
Fill your head, and your pages.
And it is easy to say,
That night becomes day -
So be it so be it so be it.
But I'm no longer asking for you to feel better,
Because I do not believe that how you feel is worse.
Sometimes it is right to be sad,
And sometimes it is righter to be happy,
And either one is equally right,
So long as you choose it
Or it chooses you.
And Mankind invented the world to cope with the world
And so can you, says me -
So be so be so be!
However you feel, I can never feel the same,
But you are not alone.
I love you like no other,
And I love you like no other loves you,
And I am not the only one.
But you would do well to remember,
The leaf never falls of its own accord.
If not for the world, the leaf would never fall.
But then again, you are not a leaf.
I want you to be happy,
Because not everyone can,
And because you do it so well,
But in the end, it doesn't matter how you care,
So long as you do.
And you were never one to turn away
And say -
So so so?
Sunday, October 27, 2002 - 11:07 p.m.
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Hello World
Fuck you all.
There's more to this than meets the eye,
And to get through the surface,
You have to cut through a lot of skin.
So I've been bleeding to see the truth.
What the hell have you been doing?
Friday, October 18, 2002 - 03:15 a.m.
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A Morning Toast
"In the morning, the flowers are many, and beautiful.
In the evening, the flowers are few, and beautiful.
In the winter, all flowers freeze."
Sometimes, in the evening
When the spirits wake the spirits
And the city opens its doors
Like a nightflower
I feel as if it already sits
In my lapel,
Shaking its petals into my pocket.
Tonight however, tonight however
Sick in my three hearts,
A casual word at the wrong time,
Has brought home the killing frost
Preserving as it destroys
Locking petal to petal
So that I may see, but never again touch.
And sometimes in the morning,
I wake up drunk enough
Not to notice the holes,
And gaps, and missing parts,
Covered, as they are with fallen petals.
Whitewashed by necessity
And the night sits upon my mind like blinders.
But sometimes, but today
I wake up cold,
With one hand in the killing wound
And can not remember why this is so
And can not believe that the beast
Has not yet hit bottom,
And not yet risen far enough to see an end.
And this morning is this worst
Because I have changed my mind again
Because I know there's nothing there
Because I can not even be free
Because the reasons are excuses
Because today has only just begun
And this morning is the worst.
Monday, October 14, 2002 - 07:04 a.m.
~
So you wanted to know what my head looks like on the inside?
What the fuck kind of morning is this
Getting colder as the day unfolds
Canadian voices within and without and without
Slipshod sidestep sinking to the street
The sacred turtle drags its tail
Track marks in my mind swept aside
Cigarettes smell like winter and
Hash smells like fucking sleep
No time for tip-toers
If you dont got footprints you cant have feet
Hamburger breakfasts and coinomatic lunch box
Dried glue and bamboo
A choice between sex and god
Flickers so small, I only see them when
I look away
Always water now always
The atomic people are spinning out of
Control and colliding.
As much as it seems,
I'm not writing this for you baby.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002 - 10:30 a.m.
~
locally anesthestized
at a loss for words and contemplating silence.
many moments today, many days it seems, each with its own moods and miseries. alert morning and discerning mind. vanished afternoon, hazy and bleary. recovered time, filled with pictures. comfort and confusion at once, fogged and smoothed over. sharp moments with accurate music driving me to distraction. same old nights new twists. more music, lulling me into near reclusive silence. repetitious self reflection and sorrowful intwrrogation. does this day sound like my life in full?
Friday, September 13, 2002 - 01:41 a.m.
~
god bless god
cheap red wine.
missing the point.
one up one down.
addicted to noise.
trying to regain control of my own life.
alligator muscles letting go.
trinity.
Thursday, September 12, 2002 - 02:53 a.m.
~
Begin Again, from the beginning
another night getting later with me showing no signs fo sleep. this duality is really starting to crush me. i said earlier that i have an on and an off, and though i didnt mean it then i do now. i go between awake and asleep, happy and ....not sad...melancholy...i cant even be sad right....everything seems so much harder at night though...it used to be when i could think, but now its when i have to keep myself busy somehow so i dont think too much...i dont think thats good, but its what can be done right now.....fucking time again....always fucking time...never leaves me alone....cant get time out of my head, it follows me... i think someone is suggesting something to me...a path perhaps, a goal. so now? train my mind as i was trying? is there some sick logic to my courseload this year? trying to take logic and zen at the same time might hurt my brain....along with abnormal psych, ill actually make myself mad. ah well...at least it will be interesting. and thats a certainty now. didnt think of that...i need some certainties rigt now....i generally dont like them...or try to pretend that i dont, but right now, uncertainty can fuck off in at least one small aspect of my life. i have to make myself write. it is helping. i never have the time though, and i try and make myself write all the time, and it never catches, as this journal alone can show....maybe this is a benefit of sleeping alone....come to think of it, every entry i have written in this thing has been alone. food for thought. is top here nad i will continue.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002 - 01:32 a.m.
~
Who the fuck cares?
Another day at the beach and this one was good. Garage sale woke me up at 7:00...on and off between neighbors garage and the house until 1:00. Weird people at garage sales, almost all of them assholes. Whatever. Another garage sale next door was interesting...i picked up a breadmaker for $2.50....homemade bread all year! if its not too expensive....almost got a good coffee maker for 1.50 too, but a minute too late....got a bit of a burn from being out in the sun all day...didnt even feel it till tonight, but I'm actually pretty red. went to the beach after garage sale...awesome beach. looks to be even better tomorrow if it continues like this...sweet little tidal pools, and a flat...warmish water too. thinking about bringing my bike up to montreal after getting it fixed up a bit. would be really nice to have a bike...but since i also want my punching bag, pull up bar, and drum set up there, among other things, we'll see what actually makes it...if i only had a car itd all go, but oh well. tomorrow heading home and need to find a job...but people will be back at last so i wont be bored at least...itl be mothers day too...interesting. cartoon network most of the night...this is where the good shows went. cowboy bebop is great even as a dub. pilot candidate or whatever looked promising if cheesy and kinda repetitive of toher stuff...i cant place it though. gundam was interesting but it was near the end of something big so i really dont know what was happening...should watch that from the beginning i think...outlaw star looks like it could be great, but could also just be incredibly stupid...will watch it again though....now tenchi...nothing new, just further along. samurai jack earlier too. intersting...liked the second episode i saw more than the first. also one to watch again. reading fear and loathing too. more than halfway through now...really like it, reads easy, entertaining and interesting. should finish it tonight, hopefully. then sleep.
Sunday, May 12, 2002 - 01:10 a.m.
~
Back to the Beach
For some reason its easier to keep a journal when im at the beach. go figure. tomorrow garage sale. and beach. yes beach. cartoons again too. cartoon network has its ups and downs...tonight its mostly been downs...what happened to all the good shows? ugh. too tired to think. i need to write better and more interesting things. but not now. goodnight.
Saturday, May 11, 2002 - 12:25 a.m.
~
Every Night These Sillouets Appear Above My Head
summer starts again so i try this...again...probably wont keep it up though...again...need to find a job that doesnt suck and that pays well. like really really well. damn it. cant wait till the weekend...beach time, and then people getting home so that i am less bored all the time. more later perhaps. and now for later and more. i wish i had speakers for my computer...and the ability to play dvds on it...thatd be nice...all this music that i wanted to hear and all i got is headphones on a short leash. damn it i need inspiration for this.
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 - 11:23 p.m.
~
Dreamlife
long time...need to make lots of changes..first change needs to be me writing again....good movie tonight....im really happy that i seem to understand as much as I did....thinking a lot about people recnetly, mostly people i havent seen in a long long time...or people i see very rarely...its really cold, so this is really short...just a start to make me continue...tomorrow lots more?
Friday, December 28, 2001 - 02:33 a.m.
~
Pointless, really
Yet another day. Did nothing. At night went to see The Score. Good movie...not the best, but good...confusingthough, as i could not follow where they were in Montreal except very vaugely. Leaving for St. Louis in the morning... a week of strangeness. Hopefully ill get much reading done. When i return, so soon to depart for Montreal...strange.
Wednesday, July 18, 2001 - 04:33 a.m.
~
Hold Me Closer Tony Danza
Up till 6 on phone with Leah last night...long wandering conversation about existenialism...woke up to et yelled at to go to beach. didnt go. woke up again later for lunch...then home and mowing the lawn...the most futile task in the world, especially when theres no growth to be mowed. ugh. went to see Final Fantasy with Eavan...great movie and terrible movie...terrible characters and dialouge, and the story was fairly god for Final Fantasy, which means really shitty for anything else...many parts were direct rip offs from other sci-fi films... but the animation itself was great...they still cant really manage talking, or most mouth actions for that matter, but a lot of the movement was very natural...flaws, but great nevertheless...and the backgrounds, machines, everything else but people was astounding. that is all
Tuesday, July 17, 2001 - 04:41 a.m.
~
Leahcomebacktonewjerseyimissyou!
Got back from washington at around 11:00 tonight. Long drive fraught with perils of traffic, music, and other things. had a really good time in washington though.
Friday morning i woke up when eavan called and went right back to sleep. still out of it from night before. ended up leaving a bit early, which was good. long drive down....much traffic, stopped for lunch, and went on a minor detour through the wrong state...these things happen...got in sometime between 10 and 11 to Leah's place. went to the broadway for a bit then came home. Leah lost her voice and was sick :( watched grosse point blank...
Saturday woke up late. Leah sounded a lot better. Eavan went to hang out with her brother, while Leah and I went to see Aleeza...then went to Lake Needwood...ran into James...Leah took many pictures...took a really squeaky rowboat out on the lake for an hour...rowing is fun, and not as hard as i used to think it was...just kinda slow. too many geese...satan birds. went back to Leah's house for dinner...cool dinner and we made smores on the grill...learned how to make hemp stuff...and got new braclet and necklace from Leah...Eavan got lost for 2 hours in the area around Rockville, but didnt call for directions...came home close to midnight...stayed in...drank a bit...played on playground near Leah's house. war of tickling and poking and elephant kisses and so on.
Sunday woke up late again...went out for coffee..harassed Rachel at work...Leah got a nice drum at Guitar Center. drums are fun. wish i ad money for a drum. wish i had money for a mandolin too. wish i had money for a lot of things. good Ani tape in the car. dropped Leah off at work and went to Toys R Us...that place is weirder and weirder...spent a while scooting around the store on a razorish thing...Star wars Legos...way too specific..legos are to be as broad as possible...build anything with them. went to SIlver Diner for lunch. Leah is an awesome waitress! Had dreamcicle milkshake and paddy melt...listened to old music. secret asian man. watched Leah running around being a good waitress. I love Leah. too much food so brought it in the car when we left. Left around 6:00 got home around 11:00. better time going back at least. I miss Leah. Talked to Jeff. You're transparent, Jeff. Hope everything works out well. sleepy, very sleepy.
Monday, July 16, 2001 - 04:04 a.m.
~
Slowly, My Lightly Floating Toast
nother skip. but not too ba dintervals i guess. a concesion which shall be amended.
reveleations of sorts. stark fatasy cahriacature.
quickly now. woke at 12...out for lunch with Nick and Crystal. good pizza. veyr messy though. saw a bird stranded in the park. night drive to NY. gatherings of folk of various connection and connection via Rachel. so many sightings nad soundings in one place so long have i seen tired and fading and miust wake perhaps to write or ide.
Friday, July 13, 2001 - 02:12 a.m.
~
August and Everything After
Yeah, I'm getting worse and worse at making sure this is a daily thing. fuck, i have to stay on top of this or its pointless. not much to say though, boring couple of days...watched 7 years in tibet yesterday...good movie..not the best but there are some really cool things about it...i really like the shot of the plane landing where you can see a soldier in old armor with a round metal shield and what looks like a pike...lots of great scenery and so on...laura gave me free CD...yay! if i had that vault in a building i worked at, i would never work. got to do more stuff outside during the day, but no ones around so its harder, and not as muhc fun...maybe if i had a bike or rollerblades or a street luge or something, but all i can do is walk and run...and going out means probably spending money...and i have none to spend...went to a diner tonight and played pool at james' afterwards...hes getting good damn his eyes, but i still managed to win one game thanks to my bizarre luck. which proves once again that dumb luck will always triumph over skill except when you actually need it to. neopets is destroying my time and mind. must stop. finally getting some of these files off my computer..space...computer starting to be able to run again...yay...i miss Leah..but hopefully this weekend ill be able to go visit...and august is rapidly approaching...title appropriate and not, as i have been listening to Counting Crows a lot recently, but not to that particular album...but since the focus of all my thoughts seems to be on august and everything after it fits.
Wednesday, July 11, 2001 - 03:08 a.m.
~
Barbarian the Great
There are many home shopping networks on tv...at 1 in the morning they all seem to be selling knives too....very strange. ugly day at the beach, so spent too much of my time in front of computer or tv screens..or asleep catching up for not sleeping last night. its kind of boring here with no one around and having to be quiet late at night...Leah should come back. Canadian cartoons can be cool... and thats about all
Monday, July 9, 2001 - 01:06 a.m.
~
Wind is Loud
Its late and i am tired. Woke up early...hung around the house, went to the beach...slow morning. Went to the beach again in the afternoon. Felt really good after swimming and lying in the sun for a while. computer is addictive. really windy outside..sounds crazy, like a storm but its like that every night. aol is annoying and constantly shutting down. probably should finish before it does again..nothing to say anyway.
Sunday, July 8, 2001 - 04:35 a.m.
~
Lets all get drunk and play ping pong!
Another day skipped, but it was a day away...spent the night at Nick's yesterday...was cool, but people passed out too early...and i went to sleep with a cat on my head, which made the morning kind of miserable...Eavan had to mention neopets...i thought mine were dead by now but that made me take a look...apparantly theyve been dying for monthes but they dont actually die...so now im temporarily addicted to that...fun...back at the beach...wish Leah was here, now that its actually nice weather...time is going too fast...july is already slipping away...saw Justin today for the first time since Christmas i think...hope he comes down to the beach tomorrow...maybe ill see him if i get to DC once more before the summer ends. more complications, more stupid stuff changing..gets annoying...stop.
Saturday, July 7, 2001 - 01:21 a.m.
~
Looking Down
Couldnt write at the beach. Just got home, really tired and feel weird...things are feeling all fucked up and i dont know whats going on with anything anymore... i hate days like this and i hope its only just the day...the summer is falling apart and august is looking both much better and much worse...maybe im just being dramatic and blowing up nothing, but this sucks.
Looking down
You seem so small
Far Away
Under Control
Waiting for something
I can't predict
I can't provide
I can't pretend
This does not bother me
This does not keep me up
This is who I want to be
This is where I want to be
Looking Down.
Thursday, July 5, 2001 - 11:09 a.m.
~
Out of It
Longish day with Leah...woke before noon...ended up going to the park for a lot of the day... ate lunch and wandered around looking for/playing frisbee...wandered around town a bit then came home and watched jurrassic park...had to mow the lawn...later went out with Eavan, hung out at her place....lots of oragami. I'm so glad Leah is here even though theres no thtat miuch to do....but weve got the beach tomorrow and the 4th, so yay! time to sleep
Tuesday, July 3, 2001 - 01:30 a.m.
~
I Want To Be In Montreal!
Oh man i was just loking at the McGill site and saw a picture of campus...i wish i were there, it looks so nice and summerish...can not wait for August. Listening to Angels of the Silences...awesome song...so slow day...was going to play tennis or something at some point but it poured most of the afternoon. Woke up early when Leah called, ate breakfast, and fell back asleep. woke up for lunch...hung around the house and watchd the Buddy Holly Story on TV...great fun. Finished cleaning my room except for under my bed...maybe ill do that now...figured out my courses for next year i think...at least figured out what i want to take if theyre all still open...confused about that...fucking MARS - you are having trouble using MARS. click. I hate that system. I wish Leah was here...i just said that and she called...cool...should have tried that earlier...this should be an interesting night...id forgotten how good Recovering the Sattellites is...many good songs, many good lines....time to read more Paradise Lost and try to stay awake.
Sunday, July 1, 2001 - 11:54 p.m.
~
Tired and Hyper all at once
Woke up earlyish today to do yardwork...hot and itchy...fun.
Chilled inside half asleep while family went to see AI. Later, went out with Nick, Laura and NIck's friend from CMU, Gilbert to play tennis. Was fun and hot, and we left when it started to rain...but it only rained for about 5 minutes. Strange skies the whole time. Laura is a girly girl. Got home ate quickly and took a really quick shower, because i thought someone was coming to pick me up in a few minutes...turned out that plan failed and i didnt get picked up for another hour. oh well...picked up and went to see AI...unfortunately we were supposed to meet people there, but they went to a different theatre...waiting for them I missed the beginning of the movie, but not too dissapointed. Movie wasnt all that great, sappy and random. Seemed cobbled together but there were some good aspects..a few shots i liked, some aspects of the story, and the Jude Law character...after movie went in search of the missing people...stopped at Crysals house and andrew accidentally made the garage door go up...funny...found people accidentally in front of an ATM. Crystal was made because she bought them all tickets. went to Broadway Diner...very funny, people were hyper and funny. Now home.
Sunday, July 1, 2001 - 03:23 a.m.
~
Quickly, before this thing crashes again
Rather uneventful day...woke up late and so missed most of my day at the beach...the clock said 7:35 so i believed it...all morning...came home to find that everyone i know apparantly is in NY at a concert...damn their eyes! so I was stuck home alone...to pass the time i decided to clean out some of the lesser visited parts of my room like my closet, untouched for years...found some cool stuff, and threw it away. held on to some other stuff, like a fishing rod i made when i went camping with Nick and Jeff a bunch of years ago...there are notches in the side for each fish i caught...49 notches! old shoes, old backbacks and weird stuff like that too. found all sorts of cards, baseball and CCGs...boxes ful of littler boxes for some reason...empty Ben and Jerry's pints...lots of old clothes that I got rid of, and some i kept...foudn one of my favorite pairs of pants ever, these off white cords, that i used to call my elephant pants...i forget why...maybe because their baggy....theyll probably be in pieces by the end of the week but im wearing them now...a little tight and full of whole, but hey theyre still comfortable...there is tea tree oil on my desk and it smells like Leah...my room is filled with weird crap...boxes and stuff everywhere...i should try to clean out under my bed next, see how far i get with that...sinc eit looks like im definitely not getting a job this summer, might as well find something useful to do...on to being constructive
Saturday, June 30, 2001 - 12:43 a.m.
~
Back at the Beach
Once again, im not very good at doing this every day, even though thats the entire point of trying to keep this whole journal thing...oh well...
On Wednesday went to work...one day only...not a bad work day...met rachel after work and we went to a taping of Conan...very cool...waited forever in lines, caught up with Rachel's other 2 friends literally at the last second...the warm up guy was pretty funny, and when Conan came out before the show he was hilarious...the show was good too...Bridget Fonda wasnt funny, but Kevin Polock was great and Louis CK was pretty funny too...no musical guest though...oh well....came home and ended up seeing Shadow of the Vampire with Nick Max and Crystal...everyone was falling asleep, but for what i was awake for...most of it...it was very good...went home, and watched Conan on TV. Dorothy was there, and that was cool...but everyone fell asleep pretty quickly...me too
Thursday...went down to the beach...drove down with Dorothy, while my mom took Nicholas his friend Jimmy and a french boy...went to the beach, a lot cleaner this time...hung around the house mostly, but biked a bit, etc. hung out while Dorothy and Jimmy played guitar most of the dya an night...very cool...heard songs Dorothy wrote 20 years ago...and now im pissed off because Eavan is being obnoxious for no good reason....god damn it....at least ive got my midnight run tonight...sigh.
Thursday, June 28, 2001 - 11:57 p.m.
~
Trivial Pursuit Makes Me Feel Inadequate As A Person
Fun filled day. Slept late instead of mowing the lawn...oops...spent most of the afternoon picking courses for next semester...i hope the ones i want to take fit together...went out and played tennis with people...first time in somewhere between a year and two since I last played...after a little while though, i thought I was getting some of it back, and i didnt play half bad. PLayed till it got to dark to see the ball...lots of fireflies around, so i caught a bunch...most flew away after a few seconds, but one stayed perched on my finger for almost 10 minutes. walked around a bit from finger to finger, and eventually flew away. fireflies are cool. came home, and it wasnt even half an hour before Nick called me whining...so people came over but instead of going out they decided that we would play trivial pursuit in my room...that game makes me feel dumb...but when we finally gave up i was winning... i rock. learned how to make an oragami frog from Tatiana... another wonderful skill. tomorrow, i work, meet Rachel for lunch and then go see Conan! funky...
Wednesday, June 27, 2001 - 01:12 a.m.
~
Head, Feet, Jesus
Hmmm. I meant to add an entry every day, but i missed a few...one my computer wasnt working, and one i forgot, so oh well. So lets see...
Saturday i think was the day i went to see Tomb Raider. still not entirely sure why, but it was fun all the same. then on to Max's to watch Castaway and be surrounded by way too many phallic statues...weird Max, weird. spent a good part of the night tearing around in Nick's car...funny...like a roller coaster ride and bumper cars all rolled into one, only i dont have to pay. yay!
Sunday...watched Ghost in the Shell with Nick...good movie, but i dont need to see it again for a while...i think the repitious viewings with Eavan sucked some of the life out of it...thanks Eavan! :) Went to James' later and played pool...i suck at pool more than I used to. oh well. still a great game
Monday...mowed the lawn...thrill of thrills...fucking hot too...then was abducted by Jeff and Laura. picked up Elissa and Crystal and watched Happiness at Elissa's house...fucked up. spend too much time on Bearshare and Audiogalaxy now that I've got that running...but soon I shall finish my grand projects and be free of the addiction... i hope...anyway on to better things, like sleep. big day of mowing the lawn again tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 26, 2001 - 03:49 a.m.
~
The Return of Dave
still awake at 5:00 AM....did too much today to sleep...finally got ahold of a book ive been trying to get for a few weeks...watched Traffic this afternoon...good, but not as good as everyone had hyped it up to be...then went to see Dave Matthews at the Tweeter Center...the opening act was weak, but i thought their guitarist could have been good in a different band...Dave was great...played too much new stuff which i dont really like that much, but some of the songs are a lot better live...the back up singers get to be too much though....but new stuff meant he also played stuff from the album he should have put out...some great songs from that...Bartender especially....great song...covered a range of older stuff too...didnt play anything from Remember Two Things, but he did get in an awesome version of Warehouse, even though the crowd participation fucked up the beginning of that...good stuff from Crash too...not my favorites, except for Two Step (which was amazing!!!! incredible Jam, and so much energy) but not the worst songs either...and the stuff he played from Before These Crowded Streets was good too...sweet concert overall, especially since the seats were damn good - 10th row is still fucking sweet whatever Jeff thinks. listened to older Dave on the way home...got home and got hung up on Bear Share downloading the album they didnt put out...almost finished with that, knock on wood...really tired though...should try to sleep soon, or maybe not as my parents are planning on getting up in less than an hour...ugh....either way, nothing left to say.
Saturday, June 23, 2001 - 05:06 a.m.
~
I Miss Leah
Long few days, with lots of strange happenings.
Finally got to go to DC to see Leah...yay! Long and convoluted trip involving trains, buses, subways, walking, and cars...stupid Greyhound just doesnt do what its supposed to...met up with Leah in Rockville at about 1:00 PM Monday.
Monday day went to Lake Needwood and got a paddleboat..i think that was monday...chased geese and people and steered Leah into tree branches.hahaha. Monday night, went to see Ani playing at Wolf Trap, cool place, cool show...mainly stuff from the new CD, but a few old ones...really short set though...she only played for about an hour and a half...damn it...got to meet some of Leah's friends at the show, after slogging through a field of blankets covered by the most diversely white crowd I've ever seen at a concert...also ended up getting sweet box seats for part of the show from some random people Leah met outside the bathroom..thank you random people, whoever you were...after the concert, chilled on the parking lawn for an hour or so, waiting for the traffic to clear...sat around some peoples fire, and laughed at a trashed guy from Uruguay...he was funny...went to the Silver Diner for food..good mozzeralla sticks...saw/heard about the amazing 20 pound goth transvestite and company...lots of random people that night...
Tuesday went to the zoo. saw crazy animals in cages, and so forth. the police had escaped from their cage, but no one seemed to notice...all the animals hid when they heard us coming...not very nice...went to xandos for coffee later and oreo smores...and i got carded for ordering coffee...hmmmmmmmmm...looked at lots of photos of little Leah....awwww or was that the night before...
Wednesday went hiking someplace i cant pronounce or spell...but it was cool...followed one trail for a while till we got sick of it leading us nowhere and turned back...chilled in some cool waterfalls that we werent supposed to climb but oh well...watched people wipe out on the waterfall and go for a ride...byebye...left just before it started to rain...got coffee when we got back and wandered around Rockville Pike with crazy clouds in the sky....couldnt find a hammock at Sports Authority...watched 12 monkeys and austin powers in french..
Thursday went out for lunch with my aunt at this cool little crab place...crabcakes....woman at my aunt's office thought i looked more like her brother than her nephew...funny...had to leave soon after to catch bus...which didnt actually exist so i had to walk 12 blocks and wait 2 hours for another one...and had another convoluted journey home thanks to greyhound...
it was a cool few days and it sucked to leave...i have to go back soon...leah has sexy legs and funny knees...hahahaha...im tired and should sleep..goodnight.
Friday, June 22, 2001 - 01:35 a.m.
~
I forgot a Title
It poured all morning. Slept through as much of it as I could. Sat around most of the afternoon waiting out the rain, watching Powerpuff Girls marathon...some very funny episodes. Finally turned into a nice day, so went to the beach...really nice sunset, but the beach was really dirty...lots of pools formed from the rain, and they were full of rotting fish and bugs and shit...but it was still the beach. Caught a sandcrab by accident while getting some ocean water for Leah..haha.
Leaving in an hour to go to DC...yay...smells like laundry...still a lot to do before I go...not much to say, too tired...goodnight.
Monday, June 18, 2001 - 02:44 a.m.
~
Lovechild
There is no explanation for the name of this entry...well there is but it doesnt make sense...i was watching a movie, and the word popped into my head for some reason and i started laughing uncontrollably...so.
The movie. Can't Hardly Wait...one of those really shitty movies that i liked for some reason...was on TV so i watched it...its dumb as shit but it makes me laugh...
Strange day...slept through a bunch of phone calls i think, or maybe i was just dreaming about ringing phones...but i dont think i do that often...besides, i think i remember parts of my dream....something that until recently i havent done in a while...they were much more epic last night... two really bizaarre stories that i cant even remember anything tangible from...i should start recording them again, thats always interesting
so today it finally rained, after days of almost raining...of course not at first...instead the weather switched between great and awful, and the rain held off until just after i had watered the garden...of course. then it was off and on all day...had visitors today...nick, jeff, laura, and tatiana showed up around 4, and went kayaking...not enough boats, so tatiana and I tried to catch crabs and fish for a bit before making a bunch of water balloons to throw at them when they came back...then will and elissa showed up and we went to the beach...which is really dirty...i thought the sand was bad, but the water is worse...i guess the fog was kinda good for hiding some of the grossness...came back to the house and chilled, then got pizza....pizza with anchovies is good.
by the end of the night i was inexplicably happy, since i dont want to put it all down to the movie...maybe its because washington is getting closer...wahtever, i actually have energy tonight, and hopefully wont pass out while trying to get into Paradise Lost again...ugh...oh yeah and i have to remember to get a copy of that Mogwai album from Will...sounded cool. so much to do tomorrow...and i need to get it all done...ugh.
Sunday, June 17, 2001 - 01:00 a.m.
~
Too much weird animation
yet another foggy beach day...at least its nto as bad as the alst two, but it would be nice to get some decent weather while im at the beach...
watched O Brother today...good movie...i still like Big Lebowski most though...another day of toonami too, probably the last for a while...stupid cable, why dont i have you? but its good too, ill be spending less time watching TV if toonami isnt on...or at least i thought...till i turned on the TV for a second, and Heavy Metal was on...never seen it but wanted to, so now IM watching it...sigh...this is fucking weird and edited for television so hard to understand...since this movie seems to be largely composed of nudity and sex, a lot is cut out...very jumpy
slow day and boring...time stretches and shrinks so parts of the day are gone before i can do anything with them and other parts stretch on endlessly..i guess its always like that though, just im noticing it more here...hope the fog lifts tomorrow, and its a better day
Saturday, June 16, 2001 - 01:26 a.m.
~
Another Beautiful Day in Paradise, George
Just watched Wizards. What a fucked up movie. So disjointed I could barely follow it, and the tape was screwed up, so that didnt help. Parts of it were good though, and I'm glad i finally saw it...been hearing about it for a while.
Another foggy day at the beach. For some reason, as the day goes on, the fog gets worse and worse...when I first went out today, there was barely any, just an overcast sky...by late afternoon though, it was impossible to see ten feet in front of your face again. It's like walking through rain that hasnt finished falling...more like mist than fog...
Went kayaking on the bay... dead calm and really shallow...add in the fog, and it was kind of creepy...no sounds, couldnt see past a certain point, felt like I was going to run aground in the middle of the Bay...saw some ospreys though, really cool to watch them fly...
Had to bike a distance to pick up Wizards...and O Brother, but saving that for tomorrow...too tired from all the running around today...learned i could do a few more things on a bike than i thought though...
Midnight run again too...i think I'd watch it even if it werent a show i was interested in, just for the name...Midnight Run...its a cool idea, and i gotta say that its well presented...even though theres nothing ON the midnight run anymore...last year there were i think 5 hours of cool shows...now just one show, one hour...what happened to all the good shows? oh well...
the beach is an awesome place to be...good way to clear your head, if youre alone that is...actually screws my head up more when I'm at the beach with a bunch of people...i just wish the weather was better...
watching the ocean in different lights today...saw it early, when there was less fog, and t seemed louder, but later with more fog, it seemed bigger...without being able to see just how far the water stretches, and not seeing the land on eihter side of me, but knowing how big it would seem even if I could see it made it look even bigger...felt like i was sitting on the edge of a cliff high above the ocean at one point...sand and fog were blocking my view, except when a bigger wave crashed and i could see the spray jump up...the fog muffles sound too, so it sounded distant, even though i was only yars from the waterline...
i wish leah was here...its good to clear my head and all, but all the same i want her here to make this place more interesting...got to sleep tonight... no more falling asleep at 5ish and waking up at 7 with the dogs...must sleep.
Friday, June 15, 2001 - 02:58 a.m.
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Living in a Bubble
So this is the beginning of another attempt of mine to keep a journal. Who knows how long it will last.
Came down to the beach today where I'm staying for a week...
I love the beach. The weather was crazy...fog has been coming off the ocean all day, so that everything was pretty much invisble 10 feet away from me...
Walked on the beach for a while, completely surrounded by this bubble of fog. The beach is pretty dirty, but its cool to walk on. Really relaxing. And you meet really random people.
TV is really distracting...I can't think with it on, but i cant turn it off...some parts are good though...just finished watching the midnight run....toonami is fun...
Can't watch tv before writing anymore. I lose track of my mind. Enough for now.
Thursday, June 14, 2001 - 01:08 a.m.
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